I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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