I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
