I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
