I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
