I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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