This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
