If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
