my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
