My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
