yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
