My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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