Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
