i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
