No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
