I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
