Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
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