you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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