I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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