Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
