i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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