dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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