I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
