Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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