I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
