Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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