Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
