Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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