i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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