Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
