at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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