I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Randomize
