FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
