i think my tv is drunk
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
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Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
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I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.