You can't special order awesome
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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