Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
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scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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