I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
