i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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