i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
