a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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