Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
