If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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