My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
