Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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