Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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