I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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