Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
