Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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