he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
