her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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