I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Randomize
