I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
