I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I have fence marks all over my body
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
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