85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
