not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
