Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
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there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
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Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.