Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.