WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
