So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
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