how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
