she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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