apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
