Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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