I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
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