you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
